i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
