things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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