It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
