does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
