I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
