After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Randomize
