look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i think my cat just said my name.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Randomize
