Cold hands, warm shart.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
