Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think my moral compass just broke
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
