my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
this will be a night to untag.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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