even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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