if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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