I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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