So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Randomize
