My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
