I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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