i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
