He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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