Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
