how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
