I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you didnt know i had herpes?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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