my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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