Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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