I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
