I need to stop coming to work sober
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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