i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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