I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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