My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
