i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
