worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
