the only muscles i have these days is kegels
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
