every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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