I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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