Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
