I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
