I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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