Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
