I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
