We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it hurts more in the daytime
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
