sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
