Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
