Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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