well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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