Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
