I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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