I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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