Fine. I'll sleep in my office
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
