Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
