she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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