He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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