Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
