I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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