I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
