I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
